So life as a mom is getting crazy. I am officially in my last week of work completing a maternity leave. I think being a mom makes me get more attached to these kids. I feel bad having to leave - I have enjoyed my time here so much but I am so thankful for this opportunity because it has completely opened my eyes again - my passion for teaching is still here. I just pray everyday that something good will come of this and that I will be living my dream as a teacher in the near future. I am working hard to make this happen.
Dougie and Bailee are doing well. We are back to our same ole routine of home all day with daddy, at one of the grandma's at night and then bedtime with mommy. Yesterday I went over 12 hours without seeing my kids! Am I crazy or is there a good reason I am doing this? I constantly have to remind myself everyday that being busy in our life right now is good thing. When we go to the Bullpen and see the schedule completely full - it's a good thing. Family is everything to us and this is for them.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my OB. She is a wonderful doctor who delivered both of my kids. She is sweet, yet real. She tells it like it is. With both of my pregnancies I was a work-aholic. At one time with Bailee, I was working three jobs! Teaching at school, coaching high school softball team, and doing pitching lessons. She used to think I was absolutely nuts! Then while pregnant with Dougie, I did the same thing - teaching, coaching, instructing. She would always tell me to get rid of one thing - BUT I COULDN'T. While in her office yesterday, she asked how I was doing and if I was still working a million jobs - I said yes. Teaching (only 8 weeks mind you) and doing lessons/clinics and being a mom. I responded with, "I know you think we live a crazy life." And she said, "You said it, not me." We laughed but then it made me think...."Do people really think we are crazy?"
Driving to job #2 after my appointment, I got to thinking about what she said and maybe what others perseave our life to be like.
Job #1 - Being a wife
Job#2 - Being a mother
Job#3 - Teaching at school
Job#4 - Teaching pitching
Job #5 - Running camps/clinics
The list goes one - but I do see one thing in common - THIS IS NOT WORK TO US and IT NEVER HAS BEEN!
I don't consider us crazy or weird - I look at Doug, Bailee, Dougie and I as LUCKY. We have a job that allows one of us to be home with the kids all day - no day care.....2, we have great families on both side who are extremely supportive with watching our children and 3....we are doing something we absolutely love...baseball and softball. Not once do we ever wake up and say, "Man I really don't want to go to work today." We LOVE it! It's one of the few things we KNOW we are really good at. Yes, we do a lot of running around from one house to the next, picking up kids, not having dinner as a family, always on the go - but that's all we know and that's all our kids know. It's great and I love it. I am so thankful that I am able to keep softball in my life and have a business because of it. So, next time I hear someone say that we live a crazy life, I will say, "yes, we do live a crazy life - but it's an awesome crazy life that I would not change for anything in the world."
Now - every now and again, the guilt of not being with my kids gets to me - it hits me hard. But I firmly believe that our life will be better because of mommy and daddy's hard work and time devoted to building our business.
I used to really let things bother me, but not so much anymore. Dougie was a blessing in our life. He put everything into perspective - and I am reminded of this every time I look at the little guy.
I watch Grey's Anatomy every night with Bailee when we go to bed - it's our thing (it's also the reason Bailee tries to french kiss everyone but, again..it's our thing) Anyways, last night I heard the best idea and reasoning behind trauma. We can always learn something about life everyday and this hit home with me - especially having gone through what we did with Dougie. So, I will leave you with this quote from Season 5 Grey's Anatomy by Alex Karev:
"Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up. "
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sleepy the Dwarf X 2!!!
I can't even begin to tell you how tired Doug and I are. Dougie's sleep this week has been getting progressively worse. He went from tossing and turning ALL night to a WIDE awake state that lasts about 4 hours. For example, Dougie went to bed last night at 9pm - this was after our American Idol had put him in a deep snooze (I think Steven Tyler scares him). He woke up at 10:30 where I transferred him to our bed at 10:30pm - Back to sleep he goes. Around 12:30 he began his show. It first began with his usual tossing and turning. 1:30 still up, 2:30 still up, 3:30 still up which also included a major explosive poop episode. This forced to me to actually get out of bed and work and go downstairs to throw the stinky thing out! I think I even made me poop exit more interesting saying, "mother f****er!" ( I am again, not the brightest person in the middle of the night). Finally the time hit 4am. Dougie was still wide awake and wanting to play. At one point he was laying sideways in between us and kicked Doug right in the nose. He was in PAIN! I think he thought Dougie broke it. He was even checking for blood. During this time, I laid in bed balling. You know when your son or daughter is soooooo tired, all they do it cry? Yes, this was me....all night long. My bubble of okay-ness had been officially broken. I bursted and couldn't help it. I was emotional yesterday too and all I wanted to do was cry - it took me walking into the side of my closet door and hitting my head, hard, to start the morning off crying.
Doug finally gave in knowing I had to be awake in 2 hours for work and took Dougie downstairs. I could hear the little night owl crawling all over the place - fast. He is scheduled for another sleep study next Wednesday March 2 in Chicago. I am praying to GOD that we figure out what the heck is wrong and start working on a plan to fix this. He literally only slept 4 hours last night and maybe a couple 1 hour naps during the day. That is not enough for a kid his age. Other than our lack of sleep, I am worried about how this will effect his growth. It's hard knowing your son has DiGeorge syndrome, but it's still a huge and wide spectrum of possible problems in the future. I think working and being so busy with two jobs helps keep me from feeling overwhelmed on trying to fix everything at once with him. I almost feel like he has some sort of ADHD, but he plays very well and focuses on everything - he plays with toys for long periods of time - but the not sleeping at night has to be something. This is not normal.
Things are really picking up at the Bullpen too! It's a great thing, but means more time away from my kids - at least until I am done working this maternity leave (7 more days). But is it weird that I enjoy working? I don't enjoy being away from my kids, but its easier to breathe knowing they are with their dad then a daycare. I love teaching and feeling needed and important. Sometimes I feel extreme guilt because I go from one job to the next, but I love it. I guess I think about the long run. We are working hard to build our business, build our athletes and make our business stronger - for our kids! At first I was trying to keep two days a week where I do not work at the Bullpen - now I am working all 7 days of the week!
I guess I can only look at one day at a time - like we have since the day Dougie was born and just get through as best we can. Good things are in our future. I can feel it. We are doing everything in our power to make sure of that. Our goals include getting a new job for the next school year, a new house and just live as the Bedinger's do...family, family, family.
Doug finally gave in knowing I had to be awake in 2 hours for work and took Dougie downstairs. I could hear the little night owl crawling all over the place - fast. He is scheduled for another sleep study next Wednesday March 2 in Chicago. I am praying to GOD that we figure out what the heck is wrong and start working on a plan to fix this. He literally only slept 4 hours last night and maybe a couple 1 hour naps during the day. That is not enough for a kid his age. Other than our lack of sleep, I am worried about how this will effect his growth. It's hard knowing your son has DiGeorge syndrome, but it's still a huge and wide spectrum of possible problems in the future. I think working and being so busy with two jobs helps keep me from feeling overwhelmed on trying to fix everything at once with him. I almost feel like he has some sort of ADHD, but he plays very well and focuses on everything - he plays with toys for long periods of time - but the not sleeping at night has to be something. This is not normal.
Things are really picking up at the Bullpen too! It's a great thing, but means more time away from my kids - at least until I am done working this maternity leave (7 more days). But is it weird that I enjoy working? I don't enjoy being away from my kids, but its easier to breathe knowing they are with their dad then a daycare. I love teaching and feeling needed and important. Sometimes I feel extreme guilt because I go from one job to the next, but I love it. I guess I think about the long run. We are working hard to build our business, build our athletes and make our business stronger - for our kids! At first I was trying to keep two days a week where I do not work at the Bullpen - now I am working all 7 days of the week!
I guess I can only look at one day at a time - like we have since the day Dougie was born and just get through as best we can. Good things are in our future. I can feel it. We are doing everything in our power to make sure of that. Our goals include getting a new job for the next school year, a new house and just live as the Bedinger's do...family, family, family.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Bieber Fever and Children's to the Rescue!
So yes, it has been quite a while since I have blogged. I feel like I say this every time. It just goes to show how incredibly busy we are. It's crazy. Lessons at the Bullpen are really starting to pick up - especially as we head to our last week before our high school kids have tryouts. First day of tryouts is like a holiday at our baseball facility. You will be surprised to know that one of our busiest days is the the day before tryouts. Our regular athletes or one time shows always come in for a refresher or pep talk before the big week. We love it too. We finally get to let the kids go and fly solo - at least for a while.
With the hours I am gone from home now and working at school - and being away from my kids, I'm not going to lie, sometimes I dread going to work. But then I think about our family and how much we need to support our children ; that keeps me going. And when I get there, I enter into this crazy pitching obsession that I have ALWAYS had. Sometimes I think my girls look at me like I'm this crazy lady who is crazy about pitching....well, I am. "Hello, my name is Mary, and I'm a pitch-aholic. I am constantly trying to make myself a better coach. Every year Doug and I intensely watch the Women's College Softball World Series. We analyze everything from hitting to pitching and fielding. We take mental notes on the strategies coaches use to what consistent things girls are doing with mechanics - especially pitching. Every year you will see ALL different kinds of pitchers and motions and even hairstyles! It's great. We stay up late talking about everything and dreaming of the day we head out to Bailee's first game.
Oh and Bailee! So I am at work one day and get a text from Doug saying, "we have Bieber Fever going on in the house" Now I have never been a Justin Bieber fan and I could not figure out why he was so popular...until I saw the grammy's. Bailee had watched a show prior in the day with Doug - it had music videos, including the song where he sings, "baby, baby, baby ohhhhhh" - which now happens to be Bailee's favorite song other than Lady Gaga's Bad Romance - or acutally her whole CD. So the Grammy's are on and we happen to start taping it right at Justin Bieber's perfornance...RECORD! We have now officially watched this episode more than 50 times in the matter of 4 days. It is crazy. Bailee will sing with the song, dance, clap, takes a bow at the end...everything! One night she even got her Karaoke machine out (A christmas present) and sang on the microphone with him - strobe light and all! It was FABULOUS! Coming home to her every night and seeing what she is going to do makes me so happy and love life. She also loves Lady GaGa - but now mommy said her CD is broken (we listened to the same songs on repeat for many many many car rides home) so I now introduced her to Madonna! She loves it. Even on our way the other night Bailee says, "mommy, Madonna sings really good. She's good mom." Oh yes, she is very very good and making millions of dollars. I have no idea what the future holds for my little Bailee, but she is going to be something big - I've had this feeling since she was born. (although doesnt every mom have that feeling?)
Dougie, my sweet Dougie. He is still not sleeping through the night. It is getting a little better though. He will sleep for about an hour or so soundly (next to us with either of our hands on his head) and then roll around and kick his legs for a good amount of time. The only thing that tends to calm him down is a bottle. I hate resorting to it, but it really is the only thing that will sooth him. He's not hungry, just uncomfortable.
Last week, we had his cardiology appointment. Luckily for me it got rescheduled for a Saturday I was able to make it. Again, the nerves were killing me. Long story short, it went really well. He gave the nurses a hard time and some evil stares, but all his results came back great. But the one thing that concerned out doctor was Dougie getting his tonsils and adenoids removed by someone who was not familiar with his history. She was worried about putting him under anesthia with his heart defects. She insisted we go through Children's. I felt sick to my stomach that I didn't make this decision myself. I have had a feeling in me for quite some time questioning my decision to seek treatment outside of Childern's. I was trying to believe and trust our pediatricians suggestions and referrals. For a long time, I have always been the cinic and second guesser - but when it comes to your child...especially your child who has had two heart surgeries and numerous problems, a second guess isn't a bad thing. Upon leaving our appointment, we had our Heart Doctor already email and call our pediatrician and an ENT through Children's. It was all set. All we had to do was wait for them to call us and make an appointment!
A couple days later it was scheduled. Dougie's appointment with his Children's ENT doctor was during the week and in the morning - meaning Mommy would have to sit this one out. I was devastated and very nervous. Luckily, my mother was able to meet the Dougs at the appointment. I was on pins and needles all day long waiting to see what was going to happen. I was still thinking surgery. I got a text from Doug and it read " No surgery - we almost f*cked up." What did this mean? Oh my gosh! I felt like I should have received the worst mother of the year award. I ended up finding out that the doctor was shocked that another ENT was going to take out tonsils and adenoids of a 12 month old. This could have resulted in major bleeding - let alone not knowing if his heart would be okay coming off the anestheia. We were also worried about his addiction to pain meds coming back. It took us quite a long time to get him weaned off his methadone when he left the hospital. My heart sank into my stomach. I felt a huge relief, but sick knowing that my son was probably in the wrong hands. Had we not had his cardiology appointment, we could still have his operation this coming Monday. I kept it together all day at work/schoool but the minute I left there, I cried. I immediately called one of my sisters - not so much to tell them about Dougie's doctor's appointment, but to just cry and let it out. I needed reassurance that I was not a bad mother. I needed the guilt to go away for a bit. I could have not lived with myself had something happend to my lilttle man.
Our new ENT at Children's decided to start at square one and get another sleep study. Yes, it was back at square - a phrase I had placed many time on my facebook status during Dougie's post-op recovery a year ago...but this was a GOOD square one. Just today, I made the appointment for his official sleep study to be done. Unfortunately, the will not do it at a closer site. We have to go to the city to have it done. Because of his heart conditions and other possible problems, they want him there. Fine by me. I actually prefer it! Now I have something to look forward to...being back at our first home for a little visit. I pray to God that we are on the right track to getting this fixed and helping my lil Dougie. He deserves a good nights rest -as we all do.
Just the other night on tv, I was reminded again on how I am able to get through things - The Shawshank Redemption was on. It's probably mine and Doug's favorite movie and one of my favorite books/movies to teach in class. Things always seem to pop out at me when I need them to. I used a quote from this movie on Dougie's t-shirts we made for his benefit and I needed to be reminded of this quote more than ever right now - again...."Fear can hold you prisoner, Hope can set you free."
Have Hope everyone! HOPE HOPE HOPE
With the hours I am gone from home now and working at school - and being away from my kids, I'm not going to lie, sometimes I dread going to work. But then I think about our family and how much we need to support our children ; that keeps me going. And when I get there, I enter into this crazy pitching obsession that I have ALWAYS had. Sometimes I think my girls look at me like I'm this crazy lady who is crazy about pitching....well, I am. "Hello, my name is Mary, and I'm a pitch-aholic. I am constantly trying to make myself a better coach. Every year Doug and I intensely watch the Women's College Softball World Series. We analyze everything from hitting to pitching and fielding. We take mental notes on the strategies coaches use to what consistent things girls are doing with mechanics - especially pitching. Every year you will see ALL different kinds of pitchers and motions and even hairstyles! It's great. We stay up late talking about everything and dreaming of the day we head out to Bailee's first game.
Oh and Bailee! So I am at work one day and get a text from Doug saying, "we have Bieber Fever going on in the house" Now I have never been a Justin Bieber fan and I could not figure out why he was so popular...until I saw the grammy's. Bailee had watched a show prior in the day with Doug - it had music videos, including the song where he sings, "baby, baby, baby ohhhhhh" - which now happens to be Bailee's favorite song other than Lady Gaga's Bad Romance - or acutally her whole CD. So the Grammy's are on and we happen to start taping it right at Justin Bieber's perfornance...RECORD! We have now officially watched this episode more than 50 times in the matter of 4 days. It is crazy. Bailee will sing with the song, dance, clap, takes a bow at the end...everything! One night she even got her Karaoke machine out (A christmas present) and sang on the microphone with him - strobe light and all! It was FABULOUS! Coming home to her every night and seeing what she is going to do makes me so happy and love life. She also loves Lady GaGa - but now mommy said her CD is broken (we listened to the same songs on repeat for many many many car rides home) so I now introduced her to Madonna! She loves it. Even on our way the other night Bailee says, "mommy, Madonna sings really good. She's good mom." Oh yes, she is very very good and making millions of dollars. I have no idea what the future holds for my little Bailee, but she is going to be something big - I've had this feeling since she was born. (although doesnt every mom have that feeling?)
Dougie, my sweet Dougie. He is still not sleeping through the night. It is getting a little better though. He will sleep for about an hour or so soundly (next to us with either of our hands on his head) and then roll around and kick his legs for a good amount of time. The only thing that tends to calm him down is a bottle. I hate resorting to it, but it really is the only thing that will sooth him. He's not hungry, just uncomfortable.
Last week, we had his cardiology appointment. Luckily for me it got rescheduled for a Saturday I was able to make it. Again, the nerves were killing me. Long story short, it went really well. He gave the nurses a hard time and some evil stares, but all his results came back great. But the one thing that concerned out doctor was Dougie getting his tonsils and adenoids removed by someone who was not familiar with his history. She was worried about putting him under anesthia with his heart defects. She insisted we go through Children's. I felt sick to my stomach that I didn't make this decision myself. I have had a feeling in me for quite some time questioning my decision to seek treatment outside of Childern's. I was trying to believe and trust our pediatricians suggestions and referrals. For a long time, I have always been the cinic and second guesser - but when it comes to your child...especially your child who has had two heart surgeries and numerous problems, a second guess isn't a bad thing. Upon leaving our appointment, we had our Heart Doctor already email and call our pediatrician and an ENT through Children's. It was all set. All we had to do was wait for them to call us and make an appointment!
A couple days later it was scheduled. Dougie's appointment with his Children's ENT doctor was during the week and in the morning - meaning Mommy would have to sit this one out. I was devastated and very nervous. Luckily, my mother was able to meet the Dougs at the appointment. I was on pins and needles all day long waiting to see what was going to happen. I was still thinking surgery. I got a text from Doug and it read " No surgery - we almost f*cked up." What did this mean? Oh my gosh! I felt like I should have received the worst mother of the year award. I ended up finding out that the doctor was shocked that another ENT was going to take out tonsils and adenoids of a 12 month old. This could have resulted in major bleeding - let alone not knowing if his heart would be okay coming off the anestheia. We were also worried about his addiction to pain meds coming back. It took us quite a long time to get him weaned off his methadone when he left the hospital. My heart sank into my stomach. I felt a huge relief, but sick knowing that my son was probably in the wrong hands. Had we not had his cardiology appointment, we could still have his operation this coming Monday. I kept it together all day at work/schoool but the minute I left there, I cried. I immediately called one of my sisters - not so much to tell them about Dougie's doctor's appointment, but to just cry and let it out. I needed reassurance that I was not a bad mother. I needed the guilt to go away for a bit. I could have not lived with myself had something happend to my lilttle man.
Our new ENT at Children's decided to start at square one and get another sleep study. Yes, it was back at square - a phrase I had placed many time on my facebook status during Dougie's post-op recovery a year ago...but this was a GOOD square one. Just today, I made the appointment for his official sleep study to be done. Unfortunately, the will not do it at a closer site. We have to go to the city to have it done. Because of his heart conditions and other possible problems, they want him there. Fine by me. I actually prefer it! Now I have something to look forward to...being back at our first home for a little visit. I pray to God that we are on the right track to getting this fixed and helping my lil Dougie. He deserves a good nights rest -as we all do.
Just the other night on tv, I was reminded again on how I am able to get through things - The Shawshank Redemption was on. It's probably mine and Doug's favorite movie and one of my favorite books/movies to teach in class. Things always seem to pop out at me when I need them to. I used a quote from this movie on Dougie's t-shirts we made for his benefit and I needed to be reminded of this quote more than ever right now - again...."Fear can hold you prisoner, Hope can set you free."
Have Hope everyone! HOPE HOPE HOPE
Monday, February 7, 2011
Tears for Fears
I'm not exactly sure where I left off - I am actually too lazy to go back and check my previous blog. So I will just catch everyone up on our crazy life.
Dougie still isn't sleeping at ALL!!! He is up / or in his face appears to be sleeping - all night long. He kicks, twists, turns, wines, etc. Feel free to keep him for a night in case you don't believe us. Doug always tells me that no one will ever understand what we go through unless they have had him a for a night. It's actually kinda like our little family secret society. I think it makes us closer and have something unique that we experience nightly as a family! I guess that's a twisted or positive way to look at our sleep deprivation, petty arguments and a moody wife!
Okay, I will admit I have never been one to sleep in. I like sleeping, but I hate mornings. Although I remember being a little girl at about 6 years old, waking up at 5am, heading downstairs, grabbing something to eat, get out the play-dough while I watch episodes of Mr Wizard. But anywhooo...I am the crabbiest person in the mornings. Waking up on the right side of the bed seldom happens - just ask the hubby. He even told me the other day, "Can you wake up one morning and try to say something positive?" Usually when I get up - after a sleepless night, you would think I am pretending to be a sailor with all the cursing I do. Oops.
So, back to our son. Our sleepless nights are getting worse. Dougie seems to be regressing every night. It's a like a bad cold that goes for bad to worse. I am not going to sit here and have all of you throw a pity party for us, but it sucks and be happy you don't have to do it.
Yesterday, was the Superbowl party and my sister was there. After coming home after doing lessons and a clinic, I was even more exhausted. I came home to trying to tend to two needy kids, making my appetizer and everything else. My sister walks over and says, "I could go for a nap right now." Those words hit me so hard! I wanted to scream and unleash all my frustration out on her. I mumbled out my response while walking away, "YOU NEED A NAP?" Then the tears hit me. I started to ball. I have been really trying to hold tight to my emotions and not let them get the best of me, but I collapsed. I went into the next room regretting my words to my sister knowing she meant nothing by it - prayed those four words would not lead into a day of fighting. I was walked back towards the kitchen with my head down and tears falling and my sister grabbed me hugged me. We didn't need to say a word to each other, we non-verbally apologized with that hug and everything felt better. I couldn't believe the power of hug. Not very often does someone grab me and hug me just because - unless your name is Bailee and secretly want a piece of candy. But I have to give major props to my sister for understanding and coming in with the big save!
Back to Dougie - on top of the sleepless nights, that time of the month and crazy hormones came Dougie's 1 year cardiology appointment. I was not worried because I know of signs to watch out for when it comes to his ticker. But for some reason ( I wonder why - *sarcasm) I always seem to get extremely nervous. I think it is because I fear the unknown - like crazy fear the unknown - major anxiety here folks!
Luckily my mother-in-law went with me as my sidekick. Now Dougie is the kind of kid who will never win the "best patient" award. He has been poked and prodded his whole life. It's like when we walk into a doctor's office, his invisible radar is on high alert. "White jacket with a smile approaching" (robot voice). He watches everything and his cardiologist entered the room by saying, "Oh Dougie, I HEARD you were here!"
We discussed with our cardiologist that plan to get Dougie's adenoids and tonsils removed as a result of his apnea and limb movement disorder. She was very concerned that he would be seeing another surgeon not affiliated with Children's Memorial. My concern was the same. She got us pointed into the right direction and we will be getting his surgery done at Children's. I will not list the whole story because it's boring...but we are all hoping this will fix our little guy's problem.
Dougie still isn't sleeping at ALL!!! He is up / or in his face appears to be sleeping - all night long. He kicks, twists, turns, wines, etc. Feel free to keep him for a night in case you don't believe us. Doug always tells me that no one will ever understand what we go through unless they have had him a for a night. It's actually kinda like our little family secret society. I think it makes us closer and have something unique that we experience nightly as a family! I guess that's a twisted or positive way to look at our sleep deprivation, petty arguments and a moody wife!
Okay, I will admit I have never been one to sleep in. I like sleeping, but I hate mornings. Although I remember being a little girl at about 6 years old, waking up at 5am, heading downstairs, grabbing something to eat, get out the play-dough while I watch episodes of Mr Wizard. But anywhooo...I am the crabbiest person in the mornings. Waking up on the right side of the bed seldom happens - just ask the hubby. He even told me the other day, "Can you wake up one morning and try to say something positive?" Usually when I get up - after a sleepless night, you would think I am pretending to be a sailor with all the cursing I do. Oops.
So, back to our son. Our sleepless nights are getting worse. Dougie seems to be regressing every night. It's a like a bad cold that goes for bad to worse. I am not going to sit here and have all of you throw a pity party for us, but it sucks and be happy you don't have to do it.
Yesterday, was the Superbowl party and my sister was there. After coming home after doing lessons and a clinic, I was even more exhausted. I came home to trying to tend to two needy kids, making my appetizer and everything else. My sister walks over and says, "I could go for a nap right now." Those words hit me so hard! I wanted to scream and unleash all my frustration out on her. I mumbled out my response while walking away, "YOU NEED A NAP?" Then the tears hit me. I started to ball. I have been really trying to hold tight to my emotions and not let them get the best of me, but I collapsed. I went into the next room regretting my words to my sister knowing she meant nothing by it - prayed those four words would not lead into a day of fighting. I was walked back towards the kitchen with my head down and tears falling and my sister grabbed me hugged me. We didn't need to say a word to each other, we non-verbally apologized with that hug and everything felt better. I couldn't believe the power of hug. Not very often does someone grab me and hug me just because - unless your name is Bailee and secretly want a piece of candy. But I have to give major props to my sister for understanding and coming in with the big save!
Back to Dougie - on top of the sleepless nights, that time of the month and crazy hormones came Dougie's 1 year cardiology appointment. I was not worried because I know of signs to watch out for when it comes to his ticker. But for some reason ( I wonder why - *sarcasm) I always seem to get extremely nervous. I think it is because I fear the unknown - like crazy fear the unknown - major anxiety here folks!
Luckily my mother-in-law went with me as my sidekick. Now Dougie is the kind of kid who will never win the "best patient" award. He has been poked and prodded his whole life. It's like when we walk into a doctor's office, his invisible radar is on high alert. "White jacket with a smile approaching" (robot voice). He watches everything and his cardiologist entered the room by saying, "Oh Dougie, I HEARD you were here!"
We discussed with our cardiologist that plan to get Dougie's adenoids and tonsils removed as a result of his apnea and limb movement disorder. She was very concerned that he would be seeing another surgeon not affiliated with Children's Memorial. My concern was the same. She got us pointed into the right direction and we will be getting his surgery done at Children's. I will not list the whole story because it's boring...but we are all hoping this will fix our little guy's problem.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
To sleep, or not to sleep
Could sleep finally be in the near future for the Bedinger family? I think...maybe!
Yesterday was Dougie's appointment with an ENT doctor - that's Ears, Nose and Throat for those of you who did not know at first. We arrived at his appointment on time and my mother met us there. Doug had to be at work at the Bullpen at 4 so he was unable to come.
Dougie was his typical happy self in the waiting room. He was even smiling at this other couple who did not seem to be the least fazed by his crazy or humorous actions. Oh well. We finally got called back and unfortunately waited another 30 minutes or so. Now for those of you who have a one year old, being stuck in a tiny room where your child cannot crawl around is quite difficult. Dougie kept pushing off of me like he was going to go on the floor and start running like Forest Gump. I think he just felt like "
running" - oh wait Dougie, you can't walk yet. Sorry buddy.
Finally the doctor came in and sat with my mom and I and got to know Dougie a little bit. He had this look to him like he was smart. I told Doug he would of really liked him. He gave you that reassuring, "my shit don't stink" feeling. I knew this was the right guy to be seeing.
After a short, but lengthy (thanks mom) synopsis of Dougie, we got down to business. He looked in Dougie's ears, nose and throat...haha ENT! He then asked if I would be okay if he stuck a tube down Dougie's nose to take a look at his throat. I was so game! I thought you would never ask!
I was so ready to solve this sleep mystery! Do what you gotta do!
First, he sprayed some numbing spray up Dougie's nostrils. Then I had to strategically hold Dougie down on my lap. I wrapped my leg over Dougie's legs, and I wrapped my arms around his chest and arms - like giving him a big bear hug. My mom was in charge of holding his head. The Doctor finally stuck his magic scope down Dougie's nose and into his throat. You could hear him gagging and crying, but those 10 seconds were worth it!
Results: After looking at his throat the doctor said his andoids were quite large. He said they were giving Dougie about a 50% obstruction in the back of the throat. They gotta go!!!
Next, he said that Dougie's tonsils were quite large as well. He said on a scale from 1-4 with 4 being the largest, he was at a 3.
The doctor was hesitant about taking both out at once. He said the recovery would be longer and harder for Dougie - especially because he might not eat, resulting in a longer hospital stay. I said there was no reason to do only one surgery and one later. We need sleep, let's take em both out....ASAP.
I almost felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Almost as if the clouds were opening up and the angels were singing a heavenly hymn. Were our sleepless nights soon to be gone? He said that his sleep should improve significantly! I love that word "significantly" - after our whole year of surgeries, poking and prodding...sygnificantly was now being used as a POSITIVE! It was so refreshing.
We left there with an appointment for Monday Feb 21. They said he would be the first to go in the morning. I am so excited. It will feel like Christmas all over again! The countdown now begins to Feb 21....less than a month away.
I would write more today, but you see, we didn't get much sleep last night and this mama is hurting. Sometimes it really catches up with me. I feel like I have been rolling along nicely for a while, but this morning I felt like poop! Luckily I do to have to do lessons tonight and I can stay home with the kids after work ...maybe even make a dinner for my deserving husband for when he comes home.
It's also our 3rd year wedding anniversary tomorrow! Where has the time gone? i never would have imagined we would be where we are in only 3 years. It's pretty trippy to think about. Until next time.....
Yesterday was Dougie's appointment with an ENT doctor - that's Ears, Nose and Throat for those of you who did not know at first. We arrived at his appointment on time and my mother met us there. Doug had to be at work at the Bullpen at 4 so he was unable to come.
Dougie was his typical happy self in the waiting room. He was even smiling at this other couple who did not seem to be the least fazed by his crazy or humorous actions. Oh well. We finally got called back and unfortunately waited another 30 minutes or so. Now for those of you who have a one year old, being stuck in a tiny room where your child cannot crawl around is quite difficult. Dougie kept pushing off of me like he was going to go on the floor and start running like Forest Gump. I think he just felt like "
running" - oh wait Dougie, you can't walk yet. Sorry buddy.
Finally the doctor came in and sat with my mom and I and got to know Dougie a little bit. He had this look to him like he was smart. I told Doug he would of really liked him. He gave you that reassuring, "my shit don't stink" feeling. I knew this was the right guy to be seeing.
After a short, but lengthy (thanks mom) synopsis of Dougie, we got down to business. He looked in Dougie's ears, nose and throat...haha ENT! He then asked if I would be okay if he stuck a tube down Dougie's nose to take a look at his throat. I was so game! I thought you would never ask!
I was so ready to solve this sleep mystery! Do what you gotta do!
First, he sprayed some numbing spray up Dougie's nostrils. Then I had to strategically hold Dougie down on my lap. I wrapped my leg over Dougie's legs, and I wrapped my arms around his chest and arms - like giving him a big bear hug. My mom was in charge of holding his head. The Doctor finally stuck his magic scope down Dougie's nose and into his throat. You could hear him gagging and crying, but those 10 seconds were worth it!
Results: After looking at his throat the doctor said his andoids were quite large. He said they were giving Dougie about a 50% obstruction in the back of the throat. They gotta go!!!
Next, he said that Dougie's tonsils were quite large as well. He said on a scale from 1-4 with 4 being the largest, he was at a 3.
The doctor was hesitant about taking both out at once. He said the recovery would be longer and harder for Dougie - especially because he might not eat, resulting in a longer hospital stay. I said there was no reason to do only one surgery and one later. We need sleep, let's take em both out....ASAP.
I almost felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Almost as if the clouds were opening up and the angels were singing a heavenly hymn. Were our sleepless nights soon to be gone? He said that his sleep should improve significantly! I love that word "significantly" - after our whole year of surgeries, poking and prodding...sygnificantly was now being used as a POSITIVE! It was so refreshing.
We left there with an appointment for Monday Feb 21. They said he would be the first to go in the morning. I am so excited. It will feel like Christmas all over again! The countdown now begins to Feb 21....less than a month away.
I would write more today, but you see, we didn't get much sleep last night and this mama is hurting. Sometimes it really catches up with me. I feel like I have been rolling along nicely for a while, but this morning I felt like poop! Luckily I do to have to do lessons tonight and I can stay home with the kids after work ...maybe even make a dinner for my deserving husband for when he comes home.
It's also our 3rd year wedding anniversary tomorrow! Where has the time gone? i never would have imagined we would be where we are in only 3 years. It's pretty trippy to think about. Until next time.....
Thursday, January 20, 2011
busy, busy, bees
Obviously it has been a while since I have had the opportunity to sit down a complete a blog. The only reason I avoid it is because I have very little time, our computer at home is slow, and I know if I write...I need a lot of time. I tend to get carried away with words and one little paragraph a day will bother me and keep me up all night.
Well...I know you are probably wondering why I am so busy now...like taking care of two kids isn't time consuming already. I recently have starting working at a nearby high school doing a maternity leave for special ed. It's weird because the new mother's leave was EXACTLY when mine was EXACTLY one year ago! How weird is that? Already, I knew it was meant to be.
So I have to say that I was having my freak out moments before the big day arrived. I have truly enjoyed being at home with the kids and playing the role of the whole "Stay at home mom" thing. So, when my first day at work and being back in the classroom came, it was definitely bitter sweet.
For a while, I have felt like I have been on autopilot...waking up, changing diapers, making breakfast, working out, doing lessons and back at home. Now I definitely miss hanging out with the kids, but I don't miss changing extremely explosive poopy diapers from my son (you know the ones that go up his back and you have to lay a towel underneath? Oh and strategically take off the onesie without getting more poop on his body or head? Yeah...don't miss those for sure!) I don't miss the arguments with my 2 year old about life's mysteries or if she is allowed to watch Caillou or not. I also don't miss hanging out with my husband all day either. He is awesome, but there is something to not seeing your loved one all day that makes you happy to spend time with them at night. It also gives you less of chance to get into a stupid meaningless fight.
Since I have started working, I now feel like that VOID in my life is gone. I felt appreciated at home, but something was missing. My kids are great and I love them so much...but I also know that there are other kids who need me too. Being back in the classroom and working with high school students again made me realize what I should be doing....teaching. I'm not your typical teacher....gives notes, reads, takes tests, tells everyone to be quiet....I would consider myself as a teacher who listens. For some reason I have a passion for working with students with emotional/behavioral disorders. I often find myself to be the one that "defends the bad kid" or looks out for and protects the so called "troublemakers." It might be the fact that I am very competitive and I love challenges. Of course when it comes to my own kids, their behavior drives me crazy if they don't listen to me. But I can totally deal with students flipping desks, throwing books, swearing, fighting....I know, I am weirding myself out right now. I guess you could say I look at these kids differently. I don't look at the bad behavior and label them as bad, but I raise an eyebrow and say, "what could possibly be going on with this kid to make him do that?" And the next question I ask is, "How can I help."
I would definitely not describe myself as an academic. If I pulled up my transcripts from Lewis you would see a couple F's and C's. I am not proud but that is who I was and who I am. I am not perfect. I am not strong at math...actually math freaks me out! The only numbers I enjoy are the ones on my pay checks. But again, I am not an expert in subjects. I enjoy English and writing, but I don't know everything. I enjoy history and government, but I am not expert. But I am an expert at listening to these kids and trying to get a better understanding of where they come from and figure out why they do the things they do.
That is my real passion....learning from the kids. I do not have a mean bone in my body. I could never yell at a kid and tell him to do something, but I am not a push over either - although to the naked eye it would seem so. So at the end of the day, I am so happy to be back in the classroom. I feel like I have been much happier lately. Even though my day is busy from 6am to 9pm, it is so worth it.
The hardest part right now is working all day and not being with my kids until late at night. I work in school until 3, head home to pick up the kids, drop them off with my mom or DOug's mom, go to the Bullpen to do lessons until 7, pick up the kids (and Bailee by this time will sometimes be punishing me already) and finally head home and struggle to get them both clean, fed and ready for bed - only to wake up and do it all over again in the morning.
Now you can pretty much understand why I have not had the chance to write in a while. Today I was lucky enough to have some time. All I can say that I hope all of this hard work is worth it. I pray that I will find another job for next year - even more hoping to find a job or school that is as much passionate about me as I am about teaching.
Oh yes...a little update on my little Dougie. We FINALLY got the results from his sleep study. My worst fear was that it would show nothing wrong with him and this whole not sleeping thing would be a mystery forever...like DOugie's own city of Atlantis. But we did find out that he has obstructive sleep apnea and periodic limb movement disorder. After my professional google searching, he might have to have his adenoids removed as well as his tonsils. Supposedly the obstructive sleep causes the limb movement disorder (which is basically all his restlessness at night). Doug and I have been listening to Dougie breathe and we have noticed that he stops for a bit and it also sounds like he has a cold...not quite a snore, but almost like that of congestion. We see a ENT doctor on Monday to figure out what steps need to be taken. I am praying that our endless nights without sleep are close being over. I will update everyone as soon as I can on what we find out on Monday.
Sorry for not writing. My goal with this blog is to get 100 followers. Tell your friends! Tell everyone! Shout it from the rooftops! Actually don't do that because you can probably get arrested for that...they will put you in the looney bin. But I would appreciate all the support I can get. Writing is a passion of mine, so help a sista out!
Well...I know you are probably wondering why I am so busy now...like taking care of two kids isn't time consuming already. I recently have starting working at a nearby high school doing a maternity leave for special ed. It's weird because the new mother's leave was EXACTLY when mine was EXACTLY one year ago! How weird is that? Already, I knew it was meant to be.
So I have to say that I was having my freak out moments before the big day arrived. I have truly enjoyed being at home with the kids and playing the role of the whole "Stay at home mom" thing. So, when my first day at work and being back in the classroom came, it was definitely bitter sweet.
For a while, I have felt like I have been on autopilot...waking up, changing diapers, making breakfast, working out, doing lessons and back at home. Now I definitely miss hanging out with the kids, but I don't miss changing extremely explosive poopy diapers from my son (you know the ones that go up his back and you have to lay a towel underneath? Oh and strategically take off the onesie without getting more poop on his body or head? Yeah...don't miss those for sure!) I don't miss the arguments with my 2 year old about life's mysteries or if she is allowed to watch Caillou or not. I also don't miss hanging out with my husband all day either. He is awesome, but there is something to not seeing your loved one all day that makes you happy to spend time with them at night. It also gives you less of chance to get into a stupid meaningless fight.
Since I have started working, I now feel like that VOID in my life is gone. I felt appreciated at home, but something was missing. My kids are great and I love them so much...but I also know that there are other kids who need me too. Being back in the classroom and working with high school students again made me realize what I should be doing....teaching. I'm not your typical teacher....gives notes, reads, takes tests, tells everyone to be quiet....I would consider myself as a teacher who listens. For some reason I have a passion for working with students with emotional/behavioral disorders. I often find myself to be the one that "defends the bad kid" or looks out for and protects the so called "troublemakers." It might be the fact that I am very competitive and I love challenges. Of course when it comes to my own kids, their behavior drives me crazy if they don't listen to me. But I can totally deal with students flipping desks, throwing books, swearing, fighting....I know, I am weirding myself out right now. I guess you could say I look at these kids differently. I don't look at the bad behavior and label them as bad, but I raise an eyebrow and say, "what could possibly be going on with this kid to make him do that?" And the next question I ask is, "How can I help."
I would definitely not describe myself as an academic. If I pulled up my transcripts from Lewis you would see a couple F's and C's. I am not proud but that is who I was and who I am. I am not perfect. I am not strong at math...actually math freaks me out! The only numbers I enjoy are the ones on my pay checks. But again, I am not an expert in subjects. I enjoy English and writing, but I don't know everything. I enjoy history and government, but I am not expert. But I am an expert at listening to these kids and trying to get a better understanding of where they come from and figure out why they do the things they do.
That is my real passion....learning from the kids. I do not have a mean bone in my body. I could never yell at a kid and tell him to do something, but I am not a push over either - although to the naked eye it would seem so. So at the end of the day, I am so happy to be back in the classroom. I feel like I have been much happier lately. Even though my day is busy from 6am to 9pm, it is so worth it.
The hardest part right now is working all day and not being with my kids until late at night. I work in school until 3, head home to pick up the kids, drop them off with my mom or DOug's mom, go to the Bullpen to do lessons until 7, pick up the kids (and Bailee by this time will sometimes be punishing me already) and finally head home and struggle to get them both clean, fed and ready for bed - only to wake up and do it all over again in the morning.
Now you can pretty much understand why I have not had the chance to write in a while. Today I was lucky enough to have some time. All I can say that I hope all of this hard work is worth it. I pray that I will find another job for next year - even more hoping to find a job or school that is as much passionate about me as I am about teaching.
Oh yes...a little update on my little Dougie. We FINALLY got the results from his sleep study. My worst fear was that it would show nothing wrong with him and this whole not sleeping thing would be a mystery forever...like DOugie's own city of Atlantis. But we did find out that he has obstructive sleep apnea and periodic limb movement disorder. After my professional google searching, he might have to have his adenoids removed as well as his tonsils. Supposedly the obstructive sleep causes the limb movement disorder (which is basically all his restlessness at night). Doug and I have been listening to Dougie breathe and we have noticed that he stops for a bit and it also sounds like he has a cold...not quite a snore, but almost like that of congestion. We see a ENT doctor on Monday to figure out what steps need to be taken. I am praying that our endless nights without sleep are close being over. I will update everyone as soon as I can on what we find out on Monday.
Sorry for not writing. My goal with this blog is to get 100 followers. Tell your friends! Tell everyone! Shout it from the rooftops! Actually don't do that because you can probably get arrested for that...they will put you in the looney bin. But I would appreciate all the support I can get. Writing is a passion of mine, so help a sista out!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Puking, Coughing and Fevers, Oh my!
So my kids have been sick for a couple of days. Of course – right before I start a maternity leave next week at the nearby high school – Perfect timing kids! I took them to the doctor again who is amazing. Actually he probably thinks my sisters and I are hypochondriacs or just plain nuts for the way we overreact to every little thing that happens to our children. You know we freak out about normal stuff, like if the color of their ear wax is too yellow, or not yellow enough or if one ear is higher than the other, you know..the norm. Although our anxiety and worry is most likely related to having a nurse for a mother. It’s great because I always feel safe when mom is just a phone call away to answer my many medical questions, but it also sucks because I had to dodge the needles when I was little. Mom- “I’m home and you know what time it is...time to go get your flu shots!”
So back to my kids. Bailee is on a ton of meds: antibiotics, decongestant, Tylenol, breathing treatments, creams, you name it, she’s on it. Dougie is also on antibiotic and takes other medications for congestion and reflux (from his surgeries). My worry always starts as soon as I hear a cough or sense any type of runny nose. With Dougie, I get even more scared because of his DiGeorge. It’s a genetic disorder and each child is very different from what specific problems they have. The most common with DiGeorge is a weak immune system. Now Dougie tested great with his immunologist – no immune deficiencies what so ever, yet I freak out every time this guy sneezes!!! I can’t help it. I also freak out with Bailee but for a different reason….she is the worst friggin patient in the world! She is 2 and half and stubborn as hell. She has quite the vocabulary , although lately her favorite word is,”NO” or “I do it myself” Now don’t get me wrong, those of you who know her also know how incredibly sweet and polite she is, but if she doesn’t want to do something, don’t expect her to without some heavy bargaining. For example, to get her to take her medication, I threaten to take away Tumble Bee’s. If that does not work, I try her favorite show, Caillou…moving on to throwing away her Barbies , or saying the doctor will have to give her lots of shots…etc. I’ve tried the reward system, but she could care less because she knows mom will give into her eventually. Yep…I’m that mine. I let my two year old daughter beat me at just about everything. I can’t help it though, she is so darn cute. So needless to say, she is my biggest battle when the kids are sick.
So back to my kids. Bailee is on a ton of meds: antibiotics, decongestant, Tylenol, breathing treatments, creams, you name it, she’s on it. Dougie is also on antibiotic and takes other medications for congestion and reflux (from his surgeries). My worry always starts as soon as I hear a cough or sense any type of runny nose. With Dougie, I get even more scared because of his DiGeorge. It’s a genetic disorder and each child is very different from what specific problems they have. The most common with DiGeorge is a weak immune system. Now Dougie tested great with his immunologist – no immune deficiencies what so ever, yet I freak out every time this guy sneezes!!! I can’t help it. I also freak out with Bailee but for a different reason….she is the worst friggin patient in the world! She is 2 and half and stubborn as hell. She has quite the vocabulary , although lately her favorite word is,”NO” or “I do it myself” Now don’t get me wrong, those of you who know her also know how incredibly sweet and polite she is, but if she doesn’t want to do something, don’t expect her to without some heavy bargaining. For example, to get her to take her medication, I threaten to take away Tumble Bee’s. If that does not work, I try her favorite show, Caillou…moving on to throwing away her Barbies , or saying the doctor will have to give her lots of shots…etc. I’ve tried the reward system, but she could care less because she knows mom will give into her eventually. Yep…I’m that mine. I let my two year old daughter beat me at just about everything. I can’t help it though, she is so darn cute. So needless to say, she is my biggest battle when the kids are sick.
So, last night was quite the eventful evening. No, no romantic nights cuddling with my husband while the kids sleep quietly in their beds, it was puking, crying, coughing, crying, cleaning, and so on.
It all started with Dougie. He has been having a hard time sleeping – I believe as a result from being in the hostpial for 65 days, we are waiting on sleep study results too – at about 11:30 he woke up screaming and arching his back. His eyes were closed like he wanted to sleep but was in pain. This literally went on for about 2 hours – no joke. I was amazed that Bailee did not wake up although she had quite the hefty dose of good ole Ibuprofen (if you know what I mean). So Doug and I took Dougie downstairs because we were getting at each other. He was actually trying to get away from me because I was crabby and not fun to be around with my negativity. So what did I do…followed him, but luckily I did. Not 20 seconds after being in the family room, Dougie puked all over Doug and onto the floor – Twice! And it wasn’t your cute little baby spit up, it was your almost 1 year old projectile vomit that smelled of his antibiotic we had just given him! Mom to the rescue!
I ran and got some towels and Doug undressed in the family room – so could have been hotter had he not been covered in spit up, but I’ll take it! We got everyone all cleaned up and headed back upstairs. Dougie seemed to have calmed down a bit and in runs Bailee! As soon as I felt her I knew she had a fever. A trip back downstairs to get the thermometer was not needed. Again, I bargained with my two year old, begging her to take her medicine. Somehow I think the Tumble Bee’s thing worked and she took it slowly. Next thing I knew, it was coming right back up! There goes the grape flavored Tylenol. Damnit!!!
I got her settled down enough and the four of us tried to get comfortable in our bed, but it was not working. Bailee and I headed back to her room on the blow up mattress in between her old crib and new toddler bed…yes three beds….she’s picky….and then I felt it!
I had my hand underneath her head as I laid it down on the pillow and….did you ever go to Halloween party when you were little and reach into a box of jello that was supposed to feel like someone’s brain? Okay, well the moment I laid my hand down on the pillow beneath her head, it was not a soft pillow…it was slimy and chunky and wet and smelly…so not jello. My little girl had already puked in her bed before she ran to ours!!! I laid her down on the floor while she cried her already flushed face to a deeper red and began the cleaning. Basically the cleaning is grabbing a blanket or the base of the puke and piling everything up in a ball and folding it together…making it a blanket ball of pukey things! Grosss!!!!
Finally at about 4:30am our house was quiet and everyone was asleep. Then I realized I had to be up in 2 hours to get ready for work. Fun Fun!!!
The day went on, the kids did their thing, took their meds, played and acted like they were feeling okay. My mom came over to watch the kids so we did not have to do our daily routine of packing up the kids and heading to town so we can work….like we do EVERY NIGHT!!! Thanks to my mom we came home to two great kids hanging out watching…you guessed it….Caillou. (Doug has Caillou DVRd on our TV – I think we have about 20 episodes- although grandma claimed she watched 40!)
So, I am sitting here now with both kids asleep, although I can hear Dougie crying. Nighttime is not a fun time for him. I pray that Bailee’s butt medicine or suppository stays in all night. Did you even know they make Tylenol suppositories? They are pretty cool for stubborn girls who wont take their meds! That guy who invented that must be making millions!!!
Good night all! I hope we all get some rest tonight!
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